This week, we're planning to pay a visit to our grandmother, our 'Queen Bee'.
She's been sick since Friday, so we're going to give her a surprise visit.
My brother and sister couldn't come if it's on this exact week, so we're planning to get the time, as fast as we can.
My mother went off first on Monday. On Tuesday, my father bought three train tickets, for me him, and my brother. Suddenly, my brother said he couldn't let go of his school. Makes sense, he's 3rd grade middle school, and it's a little bit more to the final exam for him. As for me, of course I can. Besides, this Friday is a national holiday, and I have no lecture at all every Saturday, so I take it. But when we discussed the time, in the end, I refused to come. Why? I can only get one day to meet grandmother. I'd say it's not enough. "If it's just for one day and then I took another train to return back home, then I'd rather not come. It's just like any other people's visit; take a look, chat a little bit, and went off back home. Too plain, I wanted more time with her" That's what I want. I have too many worries, so if I only get one day-it even just around 8 hours-to meet her, I'd better leave it to my mother. So it's decided, this week, it's just my father that come along to my mother and grandmother. He then went of to the train station with my sister to return the other two tickets, until suddenly...

It was around 3.30 pm, my father's still on the station, I'm at home with my brother. Myself, added with mixed feelings. It was actually pretty quiet, until the phone's ring breaks the silence. It was my father, he just asked me if everyone's at home, followed with the words I've never wished to hear. "Bang, siap2 sekarang, bisa kan? Kita berangkat sekarang, eyang seda" Literally means, "Pack yourself right away, we'll depart today. Your grandmother's passed away". I don't know if it's shock or something, but for a short duration, it's like, there's something pulled my mouth to smile. If seen, not an ordinary smile, it was a smile of unbelieving. I know myself, I feel sad, but somehow, I just couldn't cry. I didn't hold it, it's just, well, didn't flowed. But even though so, for this one time, after those long long years, my tears finally came out. I didn't hold, I don't really feel boo-hoo-hoo or something. It just flowed, and keep on running until I've fully prepared. When my father returned home, he took his luggage, I took mine, and then we went off to the train. My father swapped all the tickets into two 4 pm train. Lucky that there's still some left.

We arrived on around 10-11 pm, went straight to my grandmother's place. She's there, inside the coffin. Everything's done, all the things that we supposed to do, it's all done. We're just a bit late. Don't really know, but I guess it's good for me, because I don't know if I can stand to see her outside the coffin. We prayed and read some prayers that night, at that moment. I lead the prayers, just in that short, small moment. I hear some stories about people who died have their own scent, the scent of their life. Well, in that very moment, I experienced it. Jasmine. Yep, jasmine. I know most Indonesians, especially Javanese, uses jasmine for the 'dead fragrance', but as I know, it never smell this strong. And it's different than any other ceremonial jasmine scent, this one's... Unique... It's just as if she's still there with us all, watching everyone, alongside with my grandfather. So, well, we took her to the cemetery on the morning. I became the carrier. I admit, the coffin's so heavy, but strangely enough, for that long time, I didn't feel tired. In fact, it just felt like, lighter and lighter. The condition about the rest is just too hard to explain, so I just leave it as 'it went well'.

About how she died... Well, almost no one witness it, except my mother. She's the youngest child from my grandmother, and she don't really understand what to do, since she don't really ever experienced something like that. She's the only one who's still on my grandmother's side, until the very end. Knowing this, I just can only said to myself, trying and wishing that she'll hear, "Sorry I'm late". That's all in my mind, up until now.

Grandmother... I'm sorry that I'm late...