Because I've been living as nothing good all this time, living like a leech that drains blood straight to someone's heart. Even actual leeches can be used for health care. I've been saying I don't get what I want without working for it, and just living as a leech by taking others' wealth and get what I want. Even until now, I'm still thinking why He still lets me live well. Why am I alive?
I have dared death many times, fell off almost to a critical damage, yet still survived and well until now. Many people died from my kind of accident, but I lived. If I died that time, it'll be done right there, but I'm not, so it's rather annoying. But that's actually a fair thing given from Him. If I died, it ends there, but if I live, the torture goes on. So why am I alive?
I have many dreams and plans set for my future, made by myself, like something I'd rather had than living with internet. Sounds cruel to you who knows me only through the internet, but I can get internet easily if I can get into my plan. But it's crushed into pieces by Him, and instead, He direct me to another path, a path that is very rough and I have no idea where it will lead. And it leads to now, some kind of rock-bottom condition of my college, right when I thought of fixing up my mess, He once again blew off my efforts. And why am I alive?
I used to be a sinner awhile ago, neglecting the calls and passing the prayers. Now I've been working hard to follow the calls, and fulfill my prayers, in hope He would help me in this. And just like what I said, I have no idea where is He guiding me to. This is like following a lost tour guide, in the middle of nowhere. Filled with desperation and anger, I walk around aimlessly, keeps on asking where the hell am I going to, and what in the world is He planning for me. For all this, Hell and death really sounds much more livelier than my condition. Now why the hell am I alive?
You know how parents get themselves involved in their child's problems? Not trouble, problem. Especially at the very perfect time where you'd think that you can handle all this, then they suddenly interrupts and changes everything. And they would say to you not to play games too much, but they wouldn't realize that they're actually playing games by themselves. In a game, what if your character wants to be a mage, when you're actually working to be a knight? Put that to reality, and voila, you get the picture of me. Blaming them isn't gonna work. What burdens you, when it gets to them, it'll be doubled again and again and then poured back at you, until you can't really get back at them. I ever wished for strength, but I never thought of this kind of strength. It'd seem that I'll be better off dead, but they'd really be down if I'm not here. But look at the good side, less payment for living. Tell me, why am I still alive?
So now I'll tell you, I'm almost like a masochist. All pain, the wounds, the way it hurts, everything is all exist on my body. Most of it has gone, some of them left a mark. While it might seem countless, it's easy to stand those wounds. Just endure. Change the usual feel of pain into enjoyment, and you'll get to endure even some deep wounds. Don't forget to control your breath, or you'll lose it pretty quickly. Unleashing it in a scream or a cry is fine, but it's the same as taking off your precious breath to sustain yourself. The only thing that I can't endure is inside. How the hell are you gonna endure the mentality wound? Psychological wound? The heart wound? Feelings? Those unseen stuff inside of us? "Just endure" won't work. It's not gone, and it just gonna torture yourself inside-out, and you'll not gonna die from it. Hell, eh? That's how this body of mine works right now. Outer damage is not gonna work that much, but inner wound's never been healed, not even fixed or taken care of. It's just left to rot in there. I might look more of a zombie than a golem in spirit, if I must say. After all of this, why am I still alive?
I have never even care a tiny bit about my academic life. Whether it's good or bad, as long as I still go, it's fine. That's what I thought. And it was those times where I was thinking how close my life was with the Doraemon series as Nobita. Being bullied at school until the middle school, I always hopes that a blue, earless cat robot would suddenly pop off from my desk. That's the only difference to the series. Oh, but it's not me who's bullied in high school. Putting the brutal parts aside, I never really cared about my school's scores. I've been saying to myself, especially after high school graduation, that I'm actually very lucky to get this far. All this time, my academics are all about luck. Below average at daily quizzes, yet still advance to the next class, and even graduated from high school with no major effort at all. Don't expect the scores, I told you it was all luck. School's not really my strength, so don't ask me math or science that much. I'm not a student, I'm a learner, get the difference. I'm not gonna lie in this, I got really messed up my college now. I guess the luck have ran out from me. So, ever since high school, I've stopped informing my parents about my academics in school. At college, I managed to keep my rock-bottom scores from them, but not for long. At this rate, I'll be flunked out from college, and they'll know whether I tell them or not. Yes, it's that bad already, and that's what's been keeping me down these days. Can't draw, can't think straight, lost my appetite, lost my spirits, lost my interests, lost my mood, and even got myself a hard time just to do a prayer. I never cared about academics, but all of a sudden, I cared about it like my lifespan's depending on it. And especially these times, I kept wondering why am I still alive.
And now I tell you about a simple logic. There's an old pipe, long unused and broken, but there's water stopped on its way. If you fix it, it's still usable to deliver water, right? Then the water suddenly flows in. I guess that's what happens to me. When I was a sinner, I'm an old pipe, and now I've tried to get close to Him, my old wishes suddenly being granted one after another, in a totally different way. I ever wished Him to remind me everytime I forget to pray, and he hangs the PC. I ever wished that I'd like to get stronger, and I will, after all of this' done. And so now, the reason why the hell am I still alive, is because I remember, very recently, I don't wish, I made an oath, that I will live, a life that I'd really enjoy, to live the life to the fullest, and if there's something bothers me badly, I'll change it to my likes. Dictator-like, but I plan to change the world. It's been suffering enough, and I can't seem to just stand here idly. With my problems, it seems impossible, but then again, I've made an oath, so like it or not, I have to do it. And once again, THAT
, is why am I still alive and kicking.